Offering Compassion From a Distance
Janet sits back and sighs. She’s just had to tell her team that Alina has cancer and needs to take long-term leave. Everyone is shocked.
All the team members work remotely, which adds to the difficulty. So they can’t get together to support one another, or Alina, in the way that a conventional team might do.
Our colleagues can become close friends even in situations like Janet’s, when workspaces are thousands of miles apart. Losing a co-worker, in whatever circumstances, really can be a huge setback.
In this article, we’ll explore a four-step approach to helping a team cope with the loss of a member. And then we’ll look at ways of taking these steps specifically if you’re managing a remote or virtual team that’s been affected by bereavement, illness, redundancy, or resignation.
Understanding Responses to Loss
People deal with loss in different ways. In her 1969 book, On Death and Dying, psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross outlined five stages of grief: denial (feelings of shock, numbness and disbelief), anger, bargaining (saying “if only,” or questioning things), depression and, eventually, acceptance.
Not everyone moves through each stage in a linear way. For some people, the sense of loss ebbs and flows over time. But, this model can be helpful as a useful reminder of the thought processes that people go through when dealing with loss.
Organizations also vary in how they respond to the loss of employees. Some don’t recognize it to the same degree as others. And the serious effects on people of not acknowledging or responding to loss can be amplified when those people work remotely.
Helping Team Members to Cope With Loss
Your virtual team members will likely experience sudden loss or change no differently to a team working closely in the same office. To support a virtual team through loss, you need to understand how to support a “regular” team, and then adjust your approach for a virtual or remote setting.
Here are four ways to help a team through difficult times:
1. Communicate, Communicate, Communicate
Your team will look to you for guidance, support and reassurance. This is especially true when the loss relates to an organizational change, such as a redundancy program. There will often be a desire to “talk it through.” In a physical team, this may mean that people gather in groups to discuss what’s happening, during breaks, around the water cooler, or after work.
As their manager, making it clear that you are open and available to talk can be a helpful part of this process. Learning how to deliver bad news with honesty, integrity and understanding is useful preparation. Having a clear communication strategy can also ease the stress of having to let your people know that something potentially upsetting has happened.
2. Be Compassionate
Your people will need to understand that you’re aware of their loss, that they have your “permission” to grieve, and that you’re there to help them through it as best you can.
For example, if a team member has died, it may mean that you allow colleagues to use bereavement leave, even if such leave is usually reserved for immediate family. Or you may allow people time off to attend the funeral.
Yet it’s also important to recognize that work can provide a welcome sense of stability and continuity when things are otherwise in flux. With care, you can achieve a balance between giving a team member the time off that he or she needs to grieve and recognizing that he may also want to return to the “anchor” of work.
The flip-side is watching for signs that she is using work as a means of denial, perhaps by working long hours , which can become unhealthy.
Building your emotional intelligence can help in this area because it allows you to recognize and respond to the emotions of others around you. Mind Tools also has several useful resources that explore empathy , which is another useful skill to have in situations like this.
3. Recognize That Loss Can Change Behavior
People may behave “out of character” as they work through their grief. As a manager, it is important to balance the need to be supportive and non-judgmental – allowing time and space for people to grieve – yet making it clear if their behavior becomes unacceptable.
Also, recognize that there may come a time when more robust performance conversations are needed. This will be especially the case if the loss has led to team members reassessing their commitment to the organization, which may in turn affect their morale .
4. Offer Extra Help Where You Can
Those closest to their absent colleague may need additional support. You may look to provide this in the short term by delegating tasks elsewhere, providing extra administrative support, and relaxing schedules where possible, for example.
Loss can happen without warning and upset a whole team, so it’s wise to prepare acontingency plan for when someone is suddenly absent . Having a “Plan B” will help you to lead your team toward a faster, more effective recovery.
Helping Virtual Teams to Cope With Loss
Let’s return to the scenario at the beginning of this article. Janet’s task now is to adjust “regular” responses to a remote environment, where team members may feel isolated from their colleagues and from the organization. Here are four approaches that she can use:
1. Using Technology to Talk
In a world where email and instant messaging are the norm, simply picking up the phone to have a conversation can make a real difference. You’ll reassure remote colleagues that, while you can’t be there to physically support them, you are still “emotionally present.”
Also, emphasize that you’re happy to take calls from them to offer reassurance or to explain in more detail what is happening. This is essentially the same as saying to a regular team that you’ll have an “open door” during this difficult time.
A whole-team conference call or video-chat can be effective, too. You’ll help colleagues to understand that they aren’t isolated and provide them with a forum where they can share their feelings. That should encourage a sense of community and mutual support.
An occasional follow-up call outside of the work cycle can also be valuable. It shows team members that you’re conscious of what they are going through. But be careful that this doesn’t become intrusive or that you are perceived as “checking up.” Kübler-Ross and grief expert David Kessler have useful tips on what to say for the best – and what to avoid saying – in the event of loss.
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2. Using the Virtual Peer Network
Your team members may use social media channels to discuss what is going on and how they’re feeling because of the difficulty of getting together in person.
You have little control over this – much as you cannot control what team members say to each other in the bar after work. So, while accepting that this is likely to happen, you should remind team members (sensitively) about any protocols you have around the use of social media and the risks ofmaking negative comments about the organization.
You can encourage colleagues, especially those closest to her, to check that she is doing OK. They may well be doing this anyway, but do so sensitively and with tact . You don’t want team members to feel as if they are somehow doing your job or for her to feel that she’s being monitored.
3. Using Human Resources
You’ll need to alert HR if you have team members on compassionate or bereavement leave, but do also make a point of asking HR to reach out and offer their support to the virtual team, too.
This will help your team members to feel more a part of the organizational “loop.” Plus, as remote workers, they may be less aware of the support mechanisms or tools that your organization offers.
These could be confidential grief counselling, support groups, or an employee assistance program (EAP). Your HR advisors are likely the best-placed people to explain them.
4. Sending a Gift
Send a gift , a card, or perhaps some flowers, especially in the case of bereavement. You may want to consider whether a combined team gift or contribution would be more appropriate.
However, this may be complicated to organize and you’ll likely want to avoid other team members feeling obligated to participate, or to feel out of pocket.
Supporting team members who are coping with sudden loss is never easy, but it can be especially challenging when they work remotely.
Show compassion by being open and prepared to talk. Encourage virtual peers to support each other, even if you cannot physically be with them.
Give your team members “permission” to grieve, but keep in touch and recognize that they may see work as providing a welcome dose of “normality” at a difficult time. Make use of any support or counselling resources that HR can offer, too.
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